For telephone guidance in identifying resources and services that can support seniors and their families, please call:
(202) 364-0020
Ask the Care Manager Mary Ann Buckley, MSW, LICSW is the Director of ESM Cares geriatric care management service. Each month she'll answer your questions about caregiving, finding senior services, managing family conflicts about care, and provide resources and guidance to help you get the assistance you want. If you would like to ask a question please
My husband and I are in our 80’s; we have been married close to 60 years with three grown children and 6 wonderful grandchildren. Several years ago my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. It has been increasingly hard on me to take care of him on a daily basis. I feel I can’t let him out of my sight. There are days I can barely get out of bed to start the day. My friends have great advice, but I don’t really think they know what I am going through. I really don’t know where to begin to get some help.
I understand your situation and I have great concern for you. While you are making sure that your husband’s needs are met on a daily basis, you may be neglecting yourself. It is a daunting task at your age to become a care giver for someone with Alzheimer’s disease. I am sure this is not how you envisioned your retirement years with your husband.
In cases like this, I often wonder who is taking care of the care giver, and the answer is no one. You may be experiencing Care Giver Burn Out. This is due to physical and emotional exhaustion. It understandable that you don’t know where to turn or what to do.
Let’s take some initial steps to get you the help you need. I would start by calling your children for a family meeting at your home. Set a date and time, tell them it is very important and ask for their attendance. Make a list of areas that you could use help with, be specific and draw upon their strengths. I think you should include the help of grandchildren if they are at least middle school age. Let your children know you are overwhelmed with the burden of caring for their father and provide them with a list and ask them to sign up for duties, such as staying with Dad when you go to the Doctor, grocery store, bank, church or out with friends, taking Dad to the Dr. for his check up, help with house repairs, grass cutting, snow removal, giving Dad a bath, taking Dad for a walk or a ride in the car, help with laundry or cooking.
You may also want to consider having paid help in the home. Most Home Care agencies have certified nursing assistants and companions that are trained in caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease. Considers setting up a routine schedule with a home care provider so that you know when you have help in the home and can plan to attend to your personal business. This routine will also help your husband get used to having the same person come to the house.
Research respite services for future use. You may want your husband to stay somewhere safe while you go on a vacation or if you were to become sick. Due to the nature of the progression of Alzheimer’s disease it may be beneficial to look into a respite stay and have some experience with a facility in case there comes a time when keeping your husband at home is no longer an option.
Keep in mind there are professionals out there to assist you. Geriatric Care Managers can work with you to develop a plan of care that meets the needs of your husband as well as your needs. The care manager can discuss services and options that will help you through the care giving experience and offer support and counsel. You don’t have to go through this alone.
